The Past Months

Since this is my blog, whether it is about doula services or birth advice, or stories, I feel that I need to write down some of my thoughts as of late.

(FYI: I don’t want pity. I just want to let my emotions out and writing is the best way I can do that).

In April/May of last year I had my first miscarriage. I was on birth control (the mini-pill) and I didn’t think I was pregnant until I lost the baby. I was devastated.

Just before my daughter turned one, I had this irrevocable urge to have another baby. It was stronger than when I had the thoughts to have Glade.

So, in June we started trying. My first period since I got pregnant with Glade came the week after her first birthday in July. Since it had taken 3 months to get pregnant with her the first time, I didn’t think much of it, except that my “woman’s curse” had returned after almost 2 years.

We kept trying for a few more months, and I started my job at a call center that October. I still hadn’t become pregnant, and I was becoming more and more dejected.

My trainer and I started talking about pregnancy and such, and she showed me how to track my cycle. The first month of tracking I lost another baby.

It happened while I was at work about 3 weeks before Christmas. They let me go home and I just sat on the floor and cried at home. My husband was very supportive, but I just didn’t know what to do. After 6 months of TTC (trying to concieve) I had had one miscarriage that I knew about and one that happened before we were trying.

I missed a lot of work, and it was a trial to get out of bed.

January rolled around and then came my due date for my first miscarriage. I didn’t go into work that day. I think I didn’t even get out of bed.

And all around me were people that were getting pregnant and having babies without any problems.

So, I started to research Secondary Infertility (See post before about infertility). The numbers of women that go through this are staggering.

A few more months went by, and I was charting my cycle and we were timing intercourse perfectly, but still no pregnancy.

Finally, I joined a support group. This last week of talking to women going through the same thing as me has helped more than the last 10 months of prayer and crying. They are a group of extraordinarily strong wills and have more compassion and courage than any women I have ever met.

I am the youngest in the group, and they have welcomed me into their “flock” with open arms. We are helping each other cope through our pain and insecurities, and it feels really good to give someone a cyber hug and send them baby dust.

I know that this is not a very coherent thought, as most of mine are, but I’m too broken to make it make sense.

I think the worst part of not being able to get pregnant is watching my daughter learn new things and thinking that I will never seen another one of my children do those things for the first time. It is also the greatest blessing. I look at Glade and I don’t take anything she does for granted. If I do, I may never see a child do them again.

Today marks the 11th cycle of trying. Perhaps this is the month! A January 2010 baby would be nice.


2 Responses

  1. Hi Kayce, I found your blog from the Baby Making Machine. You have a fun blog and good for you for wanting to be a doula! I had my three children at home with a midwife and love it. Sorry to hear about the miscarriages. Don’t stress about getting pregnant! It won’t help! 🙂 You can do that VBAC!!

  2. Hi there! :)I just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re going through secondary infertility, and I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriages. 😦 I know how hard that is, having lost three babies myself, and been trying to get pregnant with a third child for six years. I also wanted to say I hope you enjoy my book! 🙂 (I found you b/c google alerted me that you mentioned my name and book title on your blog.) And I hope you go on to be a wonderful doula. All the best,~ Rachel Gurevich

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