Girlfriend’s Guide To Pregnancy… Continued….

So, I buckled down and finished it today.

Let’s just say it wasn’t a good experience…

So, here are my biggest gripes about the book, with excerpts to prove it haha.

Before I explain that, I just need to say one thing… When they were trying for their first, she would coerce him into having sex on her fertile days without telling him. It didn’t work, so after a year she went to a fertility specialist. She had her IUI after collecting her husband’s sperm, racing to the clinic, and having the procedure done without her husband there. She became pregnant from it, and he wasn’t here.

She had 4 kids in 6 years, and every time she got pregnant, her husband would say “How could you do this to me?”

He also doesn’t like having sex with ‘fat pregnant women’, but she would make him do it anyway, even though he got no pleasure out of it.

(What a great expert to learn about pregnancy and birth…)

OH, and everything in red is from the book

1. The top 10 lists she has….
– First is the greatest lies about pregnancy. #4: Exercise during pregnancy will make your labor easier and #3 pregnancy brings a couple closer together (ya, you and your obstetrician!)
Ok, I understand pregnancy isn’t easy, but exercise does help labor progress faster, and pregnancy does bring a couple closer together (as long as your partner isn’t an ass!)

– the reasons you don’t need to keep your gym membership: #3 You will get fat anyway (???!!!???) and #5 You might endanger the pregnancy (exercise is fine as long as you clear it with your doctor!) and finally #8 Our compulsion to exercise when we are pregnant is a reflection of our inability to surrender and let nature run its course (WTF???)

-top ten way to deliver babies: # 2 sipping on an epidural cocktail and watching oprah (Ya, she said it… epidural cocktail…)

-reasons why you’ll do this again someday: #6 You actually believed that nursing mothers can’t get pregnant (cuz we’re all stupid…), #5 You are so tired that you can’t remember if you inserted your diaphragm or just considered it a good idea (wow… no words for this one), #1 Wine (cuz we’re alcoholics and retarded)

2. Males as birth coaches:

Most women who are pregnant with their first baby truly hope that a Lamaze or Bradley class will help them forgo drugs during labor and delivery, or at least help them through the part before they get the drugs. Their partners generally just acquiesce, because long ago they gave up challenging or disagreeing with anything their pregnanty partner wanted.

I am going to go out on a limb here, but here goes: I feel that the current fashionable thinking about the daddy seeing the mommy through the ordeal of delivering a baby is unnecessarily strict and limiting.

I don’t think there are words for my anger here. Men don’t want to go? Duh, but they go because they love their wives. Sure we are cranky when pregnant, but we do things we don’t want to. And the classes do work, I don’t care what she says.

And what about having your husband there to support you during the hardest work you will ever do is strict and limiting? Wow, her husband screwed her up…

3. Men’s fears
#8 He will faint during deliver (or worse yet, he will stay conscious and have to watch the whole thing)
#9 The doctor will insist that he cut the umbilical cord
#11 He will never be able to have sex with you again
#13 He is bound to this woman forever

Ok, I understand that men have fears too, but I highly doubt these are some of them… My husband didn’t want to cut the cord with our daughter (he wasn’t able to anyway). And what man thinks in his head that he is bound to his wife forever once the child is born?!? Probably hers haha……

4. Her view on ‘unmedicated birth’
My Girlfriends Maria and Mindy both prepared for childbirth with conviction. They didn’t just want a vaginal birth, they wanted to do it drug-free. (This was way back, before anyone listened to me or thought I might know a thing or two about this pregnancy business.) Both of them labored for more than twenty hours. They were in the kind of pain that only fear and no end in sight can create. Their partners were alternately sympathetic, running for an anesthesiologist, and trying to keep the girls true to their naive promises to labor on, no matter what. I call these husbands Golden Retrievers because they continue to act sweet, loyal, and dumb even when all evidence is making it abundantly clear that everyone in their little family had been inimaginative in how big and long and scary the pain of labor can be. The mom is half out of her mind and begging for drugs, and these guys are asking inane questions like “Can’t you focus on your Precious Object just a little longer?” Those guys are lucky they don’t end up with those Precious Objects jammed down their throats or through their hearts… At least.

Finally, it was the insistence of their doctors that got the laboring moms and their clueless husbands to surrender and release their stressed babies via the zipper. Both Maria and Mindy felt like failures when the greatest moments of their lives occured. Their babies were delivered by C-section and were scandalously healthy and robust, but the momies were crushingly exhausted and disappointed. In one case, time eventually healed the trauma and grief, and in the other, subsequent successful vaginal deliveries erased the memory.

All I can say is she is retarded… Husbands aren’t Golden Retrievers. They are your support and need to be there in your labor. Sure, it hurts, and they are trying to help in one of the ways they know how. And here is a shameless plug, but HIRE A FREAKING DOULA. I promise you, you won’t regret it. OH, and don’t read this book haha….

5. Exercise does nothing in labor and delivery:
I have watched many of my Girlfriends labor and deliver their babies, and one thing that never ceased to interest me was how irrelevant their fitness level was to the ease of their delivery. I have one Girlfriend who smoked cigarettes until the day she found out she was pregnant, then ate until the day she went into labor. She labored for three or four hours, then pushed the baby out in minutes. I have another Girlfriend who was a college track star and had maintained her fitness ever since. She labored for 40 hours and never dilated past 4 cms. To my nonmedical eye, it almost looked as if the looser and less muscle bound a woman was, the easier it was for the baby to get out.

SO, everyone, just lay on your fat ass your entire pregnancy and you will have a crazy easy delivery. Exercise, and it will be so hard they have to augment or cut your baby out. Good to know…

6. Postpartum Sex:
Even if your doctor tells you at your six-week checkup that it is all right to start having sex again, you must not tell your partner. All Girlfriends must agree to tell them that may absolutely not have intercourse for 3 months.

If you have a painful delivery or episiotomy, or surgery or anything, the first few times you have sex are going to be ‘interesting’ for lack of a better word. Some people cannot comfortable have intercourse for 3 or 4 months.

But lie to your partner? Really??? That’s just plain wrong…

She also goes on to say that the first few times you have sex after having a baby, you won’t orgasm. I had sex at 6 weeks after, and I have never NOT orgasmed since I got married. Maybe I’m different, and this is probably a TMI, but this book is full of shit. Not every woman is the same. My sex drive is different than my mom’s, and yours. You may not have had an orgasm for awhile, but you don’t print it in a book for women to read. They are terrified enough after having a vaginal delivery, and now you add that sex might not be fun?

Ya….

***

So, that is all I can stomach writing. I hope it is enough to turn you off this book forever. I want to burn it, but I want to frame it to show people how awful it is. I am so torn…

But whatever you do, if you are a newly pregnant woman, DO NOT READ THIS BOOK.

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5 Responses

  1. I'm really sorry to see that books like that are on the market!! Thanks so much for reviewing it for us. 🙂

  2. I can understand and even appreciate the concept of a birth book from a girlfriends perspective. You know, stuff the doctor doesn't tell you, stuff you wished you had known before you had a baby, etc. This however is NOTHING close to that. It's a bunch of garbage. I can't believe people buy this crap!

  3. Hi! I'm here by way of Diana's blog. Thanks for this review — ugh! What a horrible book!When I first told everyone at work that I was pregnant (and planning a home birth, though I didn't announce that part), one of my coworkers told me I *had* to get this book — it was great! — just what every pregnant woman needed to read. I picked it up and skimmed a tiny bit of it, rolled my eyes, and promptly forgot about it. 🙂 Your review shows me that I made the right choice.-Kathy, who had a planned home birth with her first, and found it very empowering… and had a short labor (9 hours, start to finish)… unlike the Kathy in the book

  4. i'm glad you finished reading it, now i don't have to and i can tell everyone how awful it is! 🙂 that author pisses me off, what makes her the expert? has she even studies birth, takn any real classes? anyting at all that would make me think ok maybe she knows one thing. i doubt it. it sounds to me like she knows crap! seriously labor is like a marathon if you don't excericse atleast a little how do you expect to have the endurance to make it through, oh yeah i forgot with an epidural cocktail!!!!!!! stupid chick! i almost feel sorry for her. you should comment on amazon on the book so people won't read it and istead buy good books by midwives and doulas and see what labor really is!

  5. I cannot stand that book! I hate her stance on exercise. With my first pregnancy, I did very little in terms of exercise and had a 22 hour labor. It was all natural, but without a midwife and a doula, I most definitely would've had a c-section because it was a hard labor. With my second, I worked out through the entire pregnancy, even walking six miles the day before I went into labor. I couldn't have had an easier birth!

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