My Main Reasons

It seems like more and more people come up to me and ask when I’m going to have another baby now that mine is two. And then they find out about how I am going to have a home birth (since most knew about my cesarean) and they FREAK.

I’m going to kill my baby, I’m going to kill myself, I’m going to have to be transferred for a cesarean anyway, I need to be in the hospital because something bad will probably happen… it gets so old…

So, my response in pictures…

I always see pictures of women with their new babies in their arms, smiling and happy. I’m jealous of my sister in law who has gorgeous pictures with her husband and her new baby. I’m jealous of women that don’t have a constant pain in their abdomen from their incision. I’m jealous of women that have a vaginal birth, whether it was a natural or highly medical one. But, all those feelings go away if I am not looking at this picture. Here I am, the day after my daughter was born, drugged up, cut open, and lying on my bed, alone. They always look so happy, and I just look…. there. I don’t ever want pictures like this ever again. I hate seeing this picture because this picture in itself is the summary of all my hate and anger from my birth. My baby isn’t with me, and I couldn’t do a thing about it.

The first time I met my daughter, at 8 hours old. She was so bruised, and on an IV and oxygen and more monitors than most laboring women. She looked so alone and I couldn’t hold her.
When she was in the NICU. I was able to hold her, but not without the help of a nurse to organize all her lines and things, and I wasn’t allowed to nurse yet. She was 4 days old…
The second day of her NICU stay. She was alone in her incubator and on so many tubes. People that didn’t love her were poking her and there was nothing I could do.

Never again will I have a child this way. I will hold my babies after I push them out. They won’t come out into a strangers hands. They won’t cry because they are scared.

Never again will this happen to me.

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11 Responses

  1. Wow. That was really powerful. I know you'll get the birth you want next time. It will be so wonderful. I am sorry to hear that you had a difficult time with the birth of your daughter. That picture of you in the hospital bed with no baby in your arms makes me want to cry. I know next time will be so much better!

  2. Wow!! Thanks for sharing! I sure hope that you get your HBAC. I know that it's legal for CPMs to attend them in Utah, right? They can't do it here in AZ. Oddly enough, I never really got much flak over having a HB – people either were excited or kept their mouths shut. Even my mom, who is quite anti-HB, didn't say THAT much – perhaps she knows my stubborn streak by now. 🙂 But our entire church is now well-versed in homebirth lore (due to my never-ending chatter), and I like to think that it's made a difference.Good luck!!!

  3. So very powerful, raw and beautiful. I have had 3 vbacs and have loved every one. You will get the birth you so desire.

  4. thats awesome that you are having your next baby at home. more peaceful :)good luck!(oh and i dont show anyone pics of me when i was in the hospital because i look the same and i had my daughter vbac

  5. Kayce,Wow, our stories seem very similar. My baby too was in the NICU after the c-section (not sure if it was the same reasons your was). I too feel jealous when I see pictures of women right after their births holding their babies and looking so happy. ANd I get jealous when I hear of women talking about their births, esp. when they were done by epidural. I'm not a member of this "Pushing club" so my opinion doesn't really count. I feel jealous that they didn't have to sacrifice anything to have their perfect birth, yet I really really wanted my VBAC and didn't get it. I'm sorry you had to go through that too. I know how it feels. It is so awesome that you are planning an HBAC. I am still deciding between an HBA2C or a VBA2C at a hospital, but I think HBACs are so inspiring. I hope that your next birth is very healing. Also, I hope your work with natural birth as a doula and CPM is healing. I know it has been for me. As for the last commenter, mom2nji, I thought she was very rude in not respecting another woman's right to mourn a traumatic birth. Also, a window does not mean a rupture. She may not feel c-sections are the end of the world, but she has no right to be an antagonist on YOUR blog. You are totally entitled to how you feel!! (And it helps that I feel the same way).

  6. I just found this and have never read you before but jeez just had major flashbacks to my own awful labor/delivery story, which I haven't been able to blog yet. I had a vaginal birth and an emergency c-section, didn't get to see my kids until hours afterwards, etc. Too medicalized, and yeah, if it hadn't been I would have lost one of my sons, but still, I hated it. HATED. IT. I hope you do get the home birth experience you desire. After doing both I say the vaginal birth is by far the better experience, even after doing both at once.

  7. I'm sorry that you had to have such an experience, and I'm also sorry that an earlier commenter was so rude. In no way did I think you were disrespecting the medical necessity of some c-sections or women who might have one for whatever reason. It's a shame that she missed your point in this post.All of that said, I am certain you will get your birth, and it will be every bit as beautiful as you imagine.

  8. Wow girl… I've never heard someone so against the way the birthed before. It makes me worry how I'll feel when I deliver.Man… we need to CHAT LIVE sometime, I have a million questions for you!

  9. Kayce, sorry you got nasty commenters!! It guess it happens to everyone but it makes one feel like dirt. Rest assured that you are doing a great job, are not presenting your material offensively, and are completely justified in what you wrote! Keep up the fight!! 🙂

  10. Great blog! This is a fantastic post. You are brave for sharing and I think that many of us c section moms can relate to what you are conveying here. I wish you the best on your journey to VBAC.

  11. Your post has left me in tears! I'm so sorry you had such an experience, and it gives me added drive to continue the fight for normal birth… your pictures are compelling and vividly portray the aching reality of the side effects of csection. I believe that so many women are afraid to admit what they feel, and are left to deal with the disappointment and heartache completely alone… You are so brave to share your story. Thank you!

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