Terrified

Tonight was the new midwife’s Open House, and we talked a lot about births, and how everyone’s went, and then watched The Business of Being Born (LOVE THAT MOVIE).

I took Brenda with me, and she had never seen the movie before.

After the movie and we were driving home, we talked about our births and things we have learned and things we think women need to know.

Then we just talked about us.

About a week ago, I was scared to death of getting pregnant because we are having a hard time with money (as all college students do). I know we would be covered by medicaid, but medicaid doesn’t cover home births. They cover the hospital. Peruid.

I was thinking about this, and I started to contemplate how we would get together the money to have an HBAC. The more and more I thought, the more terrified I became.

And then it hit me. This crazy thought.

If I have a scheduled cesarean with my next, it will be completely covered….

Yes, I had this thought.

I would be able to pick my next baby’s birthday, I would be able to prepare myself for having another cesarean so I would be at terms with it, and I wouldn’t have to worry about money unless it was a boy (since Medicaid doesn’t cover circumcision).

And the more I thought about it, the better it sounded.

And today I realized something. Every month we try to get pregnant, and that negative comes out, I am secretly happy. I don’t have to worry about my cesarean scar, I don’t have to worry about what kind of suturing I had, I don’t have to worry about money for the birth, I don’t have to worry about anything. And then I feel bad because I secretly am terrified of being pregnant.

When I found out there were two kinds of suturing used on a cesarean, I wanted to call my midwife right away and find out what kind I had.

Did I? No. Still haven’t. I am terrified to find out that it was a single layer. I don’t think I would be able to tell myself it would be okay and I could do an HBAC. There are more risks, and I don’t think I would be able to decipher if a cesarean or an HBAC would be worse.

I don’t even know what labor feels like. Early labor, yes, but not labor. I have never been there. How in the world do I plan on doing labor while worrying about my incision? Being scared slows your labor, and since I have never travelled the road of labor, how am I supposed to do it?

Another cesarean would devastate me. I know it would. But, I am terrified to get pregnant and find out if I actually have the guts to go through with an HBAC. Absolutely and completely terrified.

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4 Responses

  1. Well if you "plan" another csection and dont make it to the hospital in time (oops) then all of your care would be covered up to that point and after.I have known of woman who have done this. I also know if a few birth centers that do VBACs and take medicaid. You know I am happy with my csections, but I know you dont want that. You have to do what you think is best. As for the kinda relief with neg. hpts, I understand. I WANT to be pregnant again, but I am freaking terrified to go through it again (I have lost 4 babies in 2 years, one of them I was 5 mo along)I honestly have no clue about the internal sutures I had. I did have subcutaneous external sutures with my second and third sections and they were SO much less painful for recovery. and now I have rambled!

  2. I just had a VBAC in March (with a midwife at the hospital) and I had no labor at all with my son because he was a scheduled c-section due to breech. With my daughter, I didn't even know I was in labor until the weird gas pain/crampy-things were happening every three minutes. I had a 2 hour ride to the hospital after that. By the time I got to the hospital, I knew I was in labor, but felt mostly crampy pressure in front and low. I did Hypnobabies so I think that helped, but the whole thing was very manageable. I didn't time any contractions except the ones to determine if they were contractions. I didn't pay attention to the monitor, just my body. I didn't think about my scar at all. My baby girl was born 2.5 hours after arriving at the hospital. The insurance issue is tough. I was originally planning an HBAC as well, but my second baby was breech (the reason for my first c-section) so I risked out of homebirth. Luckily, she was successfully verted in an ECV so I still had a great VBAC. I was planning to pay out of pocket for the homebirth, but when it got towards the end and the baby was still breech, I just didn't want to pay for homebirth and end up with a c-section. The homebirth midwives have a flat fee for services and they aren't comfortable with breech, especially VBAC breech. I had the version at 36 weeks and liked the midwife and hospital so I stayed with him.Things will work out. Hypnobabies can help with the fear. There's got to be a way to work out the money.

  3. Kayce, have you considered bartering for your midwife's birth costs? That's what we do – otherwise there is NO way we could afford her fee. We do computer service for her, and another client did kitchen cabinet resurfacing. Of course, you might have to change midwives, but bartering is always a possibility.:)

  4. Touching post Kayce. Again, we have a lot of similarities. I have also never felt labor, not even early labor. I was also really nervous to find out about my sutures. I finally did and they were double layered. I would bet that yours are too. I think most do that now. But i have heard of people VBACing on single sutures. I too think about–well, obsess about–HBAC and VBAC. At times I do feel scared to know if I can really do it. If I have another cesaren I would be devastated. But I know just scheduling another one is not even an option. I at least have to try.

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