Just Because

*This is not a birth post. This is just personal ramblings that I need to get off my chest*

Today, I woke up and I was just tired… Tired of worrying about money, tired of worrying about Glade, tired of not knowing what to do. Just tired.

I haven’t wanted to read any birth stories in a few weeks. They are one of my favorite things in the entire world. I think reading them made me think I was taunting myself with something I can never have. A happy birth.

While my husband was at work, I started reading birth stories again. And I cried. And then cried over regular birth posts. And then some birth videos. And finally, I just cried.

We have been trying to get pregnant for 16 months. When will it end? When I go to the doctor and they tell me there is something wrong with me or when I get pregnant? How long will it last? Will I ever be able to hold another one of my babies after they are born?

And then I looked at the calendar… Today my child would have been 7 months old. Probably crawling and making cute baby words that no one understands. My child would be eating solids, and drinking out of a cup. My child would be nursing and would cuddle up to me to sleep at night. My daughter would play with her younger sibling and they would be best friends.

Or my other child that would be 2 weeks old. This child might be smiling and cooing at me and my husband. My daughter would be begging to hold this child all the time. She would get bored and go play, but she would always come back to make sure her sibling is okay. I would be tired and cranky, and I would have my two children with me.

It isn’t fair. I see women get pregnant all the time that have had a cesarean section. I see women get pregnant all the time and none of them look like they love it. I hear women complain about getting pregnant on accident or women that complain because I wouldn’t want to be pregnant and experience heartburn. I hear women complain about how they didn’t want to see their baby after the birth and just wanted to sleep.

And then I put my hand on my empty womb and I just want to cry all over again.

I don’t want to go through this anymore. Every month I approach the end of my cycle and I pray that this month is the month. And I get my period, and for a short time my world just comes crashing down. I don’t want to do anything but fall asleep and not wake up. My daughter knows that on these days, she just needs to cuddle with me. And she does it so well that I feel guilty for wanting another child when I have her.

So many people can’t have children, and I feel guilty for wanting more. I feel guilty because I have a perfect daughter.

I want to be pregnant. I want to finally get a positive pregnancy test when I am not losing my baby. I want to feel morning sickness and become extremely tired and wear maternity pants. I want to feel my baby kick. I want to plan my HBAC and get ready for the birth. I want to be excited and anxious and sick of being pregnant when I get close to my due date. I want to have my baby in my own home and hold it close to my body after it comes into the world. I want to be one of the women that say “I did it.” I want pictures of my new family at the birth.

I want it all.

Why can’t I have it? Have I done something wrong? Am I being punished for something? Or am I just being stretched to my limit and need to trust God again?

I haven’t been able to really pray since I lost my last baby before Christmas. Every time I try, I just get angry and can’t go on. I then cry for a few hours, and sometimes I try again. I don’t feel close to my Heavenly Father anymore. I am not myself anymore. I used to have such a strong testimony. And I know I still have it, it is just buried so deep I am scared I won’t find it again. I want to be who I used to be.

I want to be able to be happy with whatever my life throws at me. I want to be close to my Heavenly Father. I want to feel the spirit again. Even if it is only for one brief second. I want the comfort that I refused myself and now I can’t find.

How am I supposed to help pregnant women if I can’t even help myself? How can I trust God again when I refused his comfort in my hour of need? How can I be who i was?

How do you turn back time when all that changed you isn’t happy?

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5 Responses

  1. Kayce – I'm so sorry you're having to go through this (and sorry if I've contributed to it!!!). Some close friends of ours are dealing with lifelong infertility, and we've gotten to know a lot more about it through them. I hope that you guys are able to have a successful outcome through the trials.Love,D.

  2. I'm so sorry Kayce. That sounds very very hard. I can't relate about everything, but I do know about feeling changed and not feeling as close to God. I struggle with that too, not sure why. I'll send up a prayer for you, hopefully that will help both of us.take care.

  3. I'm sorry you're going through this. I pray a lot for all the women who don't want their babies to not be able to have them for a long time and for those who do want babies to be able to get pregnant asap. I don't understand why we have to wait so long to become pregnant. I've waited for 2 1/2 years with a solid NO from hubby and now it looks like I was blessed with the strong possiblity of being pregnant. I'm super excited because even though I have two wonderful young boys I ache for another. I know exactly where you are coming from with that. When I started feeling nauseas I immediately started hoping that I was pregnant. I don't want the nausea to go away for fear that it means I'm not going to have another baby yet. The waiting is SO hard! I'll continue to pray for you even if you're unable to pray for yourself. God's brought your sweet babies home because they were too perfect to be here. Hopefully he'll give you one soon that you'll be able to cradle and hold just as you've done with your daughter. )))HUGS(((

  4. I hear you. I hear you loud and clear.

    Sometimes it becomes hard to remember who you are when you get lost in those pains, and can’t get out.

    Been there. We’ll find the way out of this limbo place very soon, and we’ll both whine about how much we fucking love our pregnancy induced heart burn!

  5. Please excuse my cuss word.

    I forgot I was commenting on a blog there for a second 😀

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