Twitter is My Salvation

Yesterday, I had two rants on twitter.  The first mainly about birth, the second mainly about the baby I just lost.

Great prenatal. Baby is head down and ROA and today is the due date. I’m sure she won’t have baby before Friday but its getting close 🙂

Even if I can’t truly prepare for my own birth now, I can help them have theirs. And that helps, even if I wish it was me instead.

Seeing these women and their calm and love for how they will birth makes me know that even if most don’t have this, the ones I help will.

This job isn’t about me. I help and assist and am there, but it isn’t mine to hold.

These births will always be with me, and I learn something from each one, but it is theirs and it needs to be treated with respect and love.

I feel energized. Her birth will rock, and I feel so privaledged to be a part of it.

It wasn’t easy driving to St. George to go to the prenatal, but once I was there, the pain went away, even for just a few minutes.  As I said, it wasn’t about me.  It never is.

So many people think I am so strong for still doing this job after all that has happened, but to me, if I fail I am giving up on my calling.  Something that makes me feel whole.  Even if I lose more children, that won’t stop me from becoming a midwife and loving every second of it.

So, the second rant.  A little more tear jerky than the last one.

My first two losses, it took a few weeks for my pregnancy symptoms to go away. Both times I thought I was pregnant the month after since…

I still felt pregnant. This time is so different. Before the bleeding ended everything was leaving. My boobs weren’t sore, my bloating ..

was gone, I wasn’t sick, wasn’t hungry anymore, nothing. It’s like my body wanted it out so fast that I didn’t have time to even …

commit it all to memory. Sometimes it even feels like I didn’t lose a baby at all. Like I just had a period. Last night’s dream was …

the first time I have actually been really sad. I just wanted to be one of the women that bleeds in pregnancy if it meant I could still…

be pregnant. And today it hit me that I am now a “recurrent aborter”. Which makes it sound like I didn’t want the babies I lost…

And I hate that. They are my children. I didn’t make them leave, I just couldn’t keep them 😦 I want to be able to have a birth…

Today driving to the prenatal I just cried. I want to plan my birth for real. To give the gift of a peaceful birth to my child. To be…

the one that people smile over when they look at their belly. I want it to be me, and I can’t have it yet, and I am finally understanding..

that. Something needs to be learned before I can have it for myself. I just wish I knew what it was.

Now, I refuse to label myself as a recurrent aborter. Or even a spontaneous aborter (which is the medical term for abortion).  They were my children, not children that I didn’t want and needed to get rid of.  My babies that went away too soon.

Of course I want it to be me that is pregnant.  Yesterday, I had my first dream about the baby.

I started bleeding, same as I did in real life, and it tapered off, but that Monday I was still getting a positive test so I went in for an ultrasound.

And I was still pregnant with my child.  I had lost a twin, but there was still a baby in my uterus.

I woke up angry and sad and wanting so hard for it to be true.  Then I was angry at the women that bleed in pregnancy and still have their children.  There seems to be so very many of them (mainly because that is all I am concentrating on) and it seemed so unfair to me.

The more I thought the more I hurt.

And I haven’t really hurt with this loss yet.  I lost my baby two weeks ago today.  It feels so very far away.

And I haven’t mourned.  I have covered it up.  It truly doesn’t feel like I lost a baby since the bleeding was so light, I didn’t see clots or anything, and I was so skeptical and unsure when I got my positive I didn’t even want to admit to myself that I was pregnant.

I did have great tweets about how I loved the baby and things were already different, but even then I was so worried it wouldn’t last.  Made me wonder if that is the kiss of death and I need to change my attitude.

But, either way, those three losses are my children.  And I need to remain worthy to be with them after I die.  They are my family, and nothing can take that way.


2 Responses

  1. They existed. You knew them, even if only just a little. And your dreams and your emotions now are a testimony to how much they mattered and continue to matter to you.

    Hang in there. May you have peace, and very soon.

  2. they were real, they were your babies, just because they never went to term etc doesnt make it any less of a baby to you, or to me, any loss is sad and it was the potential of that loss, what that baby could have been to us and to others that makes it so much harder to deal with.

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