My Biggest Fear

I know a lot of people that are scared of giving birth, scared of oxygen deprivation, scared of a cesarean or another cesarean, scared of a homebirth or freebirth, scared of vaginal checks, of baby getting stuck, of back labor, scared of IVs, scared of an epidural, scared of an episiotomy, scared of the NICU, scared of a preemie.  I could keep going.  So many people have so many fears and a lot of times they are discounted or not thought about.  It is just “something they have”.  I believe fears are there for a reason and need to be dealt with, especially after reading Unassisted Childbirth a couple months ago.

My biggest fear with this baby is ending up back here:

in a labor and delivery unit of a hospital.

When things started happening with this baby, I went to the midwife at the hospital I had seen with Glade because I knew her and didn’t want to see someone new when I was bleeding and worried.  She has a suite in our local hospital.  I had to walk through the doors for the first time since my 6 week postpartum visit with Glade.  I thought I would pass out from my fear.  I was sweating and white and cold and I felt so small and helpless.

The worst is that even though I am an excellent doula (if I may say so myself haha) and can help others stand up for their plans, I have a REALLY hard time doing that for myself.  I see the doctor or midwife or nurse and they are in charge.  I don’t say anything, I do what they tell me.

I don’t agree with routine use of ultrasound or frequent ultrasound, and I don’t agree with doppler use in pregnancy.  And yet here I sit, having four ultrasounds already and one 3 minute doppler use.  I just laid back and took it… Never said a word.

I don’t stick up for myself very well unless it is with family or people I know very well.  I am even terrified of telling the Family Doctor I am seeing now that I am planning a homebirth and am basically using him for now for my prescription, and then later to tell me placental location.  I am dreading it.  I am actually thinking of taking the chicken approach and just not going back after that ultrasound.

The thought of having to see him for the rest of my pregnancy and actually plan a hospital birth scares the crap out of me.  I’m not scared of another cesarean because I know I won’t have one that isn’t necessary, I’m not scared of tearing or an episiotomy because he doesn’t do them, I’m not scared of the baby going into distress because I already dealt with that.  No, I am terrified of having to walk through the doors of labor and delivery, sign in, sign the consent forms, lie on a bed, and be poked and proded and treated like a patient.  I am terrified of the smell of the hospital, of having to deal with the memories of being there before.  I am terrified of the entire environment.  I don’t want to fight for what I want, because with how this pregnancy is going, I would probably just lie back and take it as I have been.

I am terrified of those beds, of the monitors, of being asked constantly if I want medication, of being checked every couple hours to see if my body works.  I am terrified of being told how to push my child out, I am terrified of them not understanding that bodies are made for this.

I for this fear, I have no idea how to handle it.  I know I would come apart at the seams if I had to walk into that unit.  And I know it is a possibility I would need to, even though I myself know that possibility is very tiny, but I just know I cannot do it.  I don’t know how to fix this.  I don’t know how to make my mind and heart understand that I can stand up for myself and my baby and things will be okay.  I am not at their mercy even though it feels that way.

I have read too much, seen too much, know too much about the system to ever be comfortable in the hospital again.  It isn’t just a fear, it is an all encompassing terror.

I had a dream about a week ago that I had my baby but I couldn’t see him or nurse him because they wouldn’t let me.  I didn’t know who they was, but I knew he wasn’t dead, I just couldn’t see him.  I shudder remembering how powerless I felt.  I know this is all flashback from Glade’s birth since I wasn’t allowed with her and had to ask permission, but it terrifies me nonetheless.

And again, I don’t know how to get over it.

I know I have anywhere from 26 to 31 weeks to decide this and figure it out, but none of this is easy.  I need this birth.  I need to know I can do this.  And if I go there, with how powerless I feel, I am terrified this birth will be taken.  It won’t be mine.  Yes it will probably be a vaginal delivery there, but regardless of what people think, I am not aspiring for a vaginal delivery.  I am aspiring for a healthy, natural delivery.  Where my baby and I are healthy.  Which to me is completely different than a vaginal birth.  It is emotional, physical, mental all rolled into one.  I crave this.

And for now, this craving consumes me.

So for now, I plan my birth at home.  Until I know for certain if there is something different and I need to plan backup or a straight up VBAC instead of UBAC.

Only problem, either way I need to face my fear.  And I am at a loss at how to start.


2 Responses

  1. You don’t have to do it alone. I’ll be there every step of the way if you want me.

  2. My friend Amy is an excellent doula and very tough-minded, but she had a team. It doesn’t have to be UBAC or hospital, especially since you work with a good midwife. You can doula yourself through a short or easy labor, but if things get long, it is much more difficult. Read our incredible story here:

    mom’s post:

    My post (as doula/friend):

    and here

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