Are We Treating Them With Respect?

Since this pregnancy has been on the hard side (and I’m only 12 weeks haha), it has put into perspective on how women are treated when pregnant.  Especially if they know about birth, and are very active in their care.

When I first started bleeding this pregnancy, I went to the same midwife I had with my daughter, who treated everything like I was miscarrying and was ordering labs just to make me happy.  Every other word out of her mouth had to do with, “Well, the baby is probably dead.”  I felt so chastened and demeaned.

I turned out to be pregnant and needed progesterone, but the second time I saw her, she still said that no matter what, I might still lose the baby.  As if I hadn’t thought of that before.

She transfered my care since I had a prior cesarean and she isn’t allowed to cover VBAC’s with an untested pelvis and am now seeing a Family Doctor.  He is a lot nicer but still talks like I don’t know anything.

We have figured out the torrential, spontaneous bleeding with this baby, but he treats it like I don’t know and don’t research.  Even though I am pregnant and worried about my child, I still research.  I still learn.  I like to know what I am getting myself into, even if I don’t speak up that much (see my previous post about my biggest fear).

In all of this it has made me wonder how we are treating pregnant women, especially ones that have had previous losses or are having threatened losses with a current pregnancy.

It seemed that the only place I was able to discuss my fears and worries without being judged or told that the baby might be dying was on twitter and my other blog.  My family was terrified since I lost the baby in April, and bleeding is never a good thing in pregnancy.  A few of my friends told me not to tell people I was pregnant because I might lose it.  They even told me not to get too excited.

Where do you draw the line between advice that might help, and stuff people don’t want to hear?

When I was bleeding the only thoughts in my head were that the baby was dying and it was gone.  Reassurance from friends was the only way to stop my crying.  When I heard from others the same things I was fearing it made them so much stronger.  The fears were that much harder to control.

Is there a difference between people wanting to soften the blow if it happens and trying to make them feel better by saying it won’t happen?  If it does will they feel upset that people gave them hope?

I know after my loss in April I was so angry at the people that bled but didn’t lose their babies.  And now I am one of them.  I know I wasn’t angry at those women, but the situation made it that much worse and I projected onto them.

So are people helping when they give hope?  Or are they helping when they are realistic?

I so wish I knew the answer.  I know that I love getting the hope every pregnancy and I have learned to enjoy every minute it lasts, but in the end, does it really matter?


2 Responses

  1. I was just talking about this this weekend! I was so sure I was pregnant and that the IVF had worked, and I was convinced of my symptoms. One woman said something to me along the lines of “sweetie, I just don’t want you to get your hopes up too high… just try to remember that the progesterone you’re on can mimic pregnancy symptoms.”

    I was so angry. Even now, when it turns out she was right, I’m angry. How dare she take away my hope!

    I’m sorry, but I think sometimes there is no reason to reiterate people’s fears. Let them hope, and then be realistic when reality is actually happening.

    • I completely agree!! I have never seen anything wrong with hoping for the best. I think anyone in any situation always has fears and knows what could happen, but keeping the hope up keeps them happy and sane.

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