The Hardest Post I Have Ever Had To Write

Today, I packed up my pump.  The bottles, the bags, the tubes.  Everything.

Since I got back from my mom’s house about two and a half weeks ago, I got lazy.  I cut down from 4-5 pumping sessions a day to just one.  I was still getting 8-10 ounces in that one session, and knew that if I really wanted to, I could get my supply back.  I knew I didn’t want to stop then, that I would know the right moment.  So I kept pumping every morning.

I don’t know what happened.  Pumping wasn’t what it used to be for me.  I had already donated to two families, and knew that I would love to donate more, but I just didn’t have the drive to do it.  I didn’t have the willpower to actually build my supply back up.

I pumped in the morning, and Glade would nurse in the afternoon.

Friday was the last day that Glade nursed.

It feels so long ago.

I told myself I would let her pick when to stop.  I told myself that it would probably be soon because she is three, and that is around the time kids naturally wean themselves.

I just didn’t expect it to really happen.

We had this new bond and I loved it, and now it is gone.

Saturday I pumped for the last time.

I haven’t wanted to say anything.  I still have reviews to write on the things that were donated to me.  I wanted this post to come so much later than it is.

I didn’t want to let people down.

Everyone says I am doing this great thing, that I am amazing.  I don’t feel that way.  I feel like I am taking all of their gifts and all the support people gave me and throwing it back in their face.  I see this pump, and all the things I was given, and it makes me hurt that I couldn’t do this longer.  So many incredible people were there to help me out, and I’m quitting.

I know that I have done more than others have.  I know that I didn’t have to do this to begin with.  I know all this.  But to me, I know I should want to keep going.  I know that I should want to donate more milk.  I know of at least 6 babies right now that need milk so badly.

And I’m quitting.  I am giving up.  I am depriving these precious babies of nutrition for my own selfish reasons.

It shouldn’t be this way.  I thought that when I stopped pumping it would be because I was ready.  I thought I would be happy with the decision.  I thought it would be easy.

But this post is the hardest post I have ever had to write.  Including the post I wrote about my son or the post I wrote about my miscarriages.

I don’t want to let anyone down.

Thank you all so much for being there for me.  For helping me when I had troubles pumping.  Thank you to the one person who asked if I could pump and donate my milk instead of letting it dry up.

I wouldn’t trade the last two months of pumping for anything, but I can’t keep doing it.

Holding that little baby boy on Friday made me realize that my breasts want to feed my baby.  They ache to be nuzzled and suckled like a newborn feeds.  They (and I) don’t want the hard plastic of a pump.

I am so sorry if I let anyone down.  I am so sorry if you think I am amazing.  I’m not.  Not even a little.

Thank you for helping me.  I think I needed the last two months, the pumping most of all, to help me realize where I needed to be in my grief.  I think I needed that more than I could ever say.

And for now, the last two months have been enough.

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10 Responses

  1. Nope. You’re amazing because for two months you chose to do something that no one expected you to do, not for a single day. You’re amazing because your heart is big enough to care about what other people might think, or want, or whose needs you want to see met. You’re amazing because you’re capable of seeing when you’ve reached a stopping point and not pushing yourself past it.
    You’re awesome because you let your daughter choose when to wean.
    You’re awesome because you allowed others to help you help others, for two whole months.
    Two months of daily acts of kindness and giving is a lot more than most people ever do.
    You are awesome.

  2. So much love to you, Kayce – I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
    I’m so glad it has helped you in your grief, even if only a little.

  3. Oh sweetie! Don’t you DARE be hard on yourself for this – don’t even think it! You gave such an amazing gift, just a few ounces would have been amazing but you gave SO much more than that and you didn’t have to give anything at all. No one would have thought less of you if you had never even pumped a drop and we all think you are amazing becuase you ARE amazing!!! You do what YOU need to do. ((hugs))

  4. I’d love to copy and paste exactly what Slee said.

    You are amazing. Simply that. You are.
    You are selfless, thoughtful, caring, giving, and loving. You did such an amazing and wonderful thing for 2 families. They didn’t have this gift before you came along and you provided it.
    You are amazing for doing that. But you are amazing for doing other things too.

  5. Girl, you have to do what is best for you and your family.

  6. You are still amazing. You absolutely did enough. It’s okay to think about yourself and be healthy and okay. (Hugs)

  7. “I thought that when I stopped pumping it would be because I was ready.”

    You ARE ready- and that’s why you stopped and it’s ok that you aren’t happy about it. Sometimes things just end and no one has to be happy about it. You’ve had quite the journey and it’s ok to step back and move on.

    *hugs*

  8. Kayce, you did an amazing thing. As a grieving mother you looked beyond your sadness and helped out babies in need. Most mothers could have never done it at all, let alone as much as you did. Tyrion left you with the capability to give an amazing gift to babies and you did it! You are an amazing woman and you need not feel any guilt for stopping pumping. Thanks to you two families received perfect milk for their babies and they will never forget that. You know that Tyrion is with God smiling because of how amazing his Mama is, and we are all smiling too.

  9. I couldn’t believe it when I learned what you were doing. It was incredibly generous and selfLESS – much more than most people would ever think to be after a loss. You pumped and now you’re done. No apologies.

  10. You deserve all the happiness the world has to offer. Don’t beat yourself up over not pumping anymore. You aren’t an amazing person because you donated milk. You are amazing because you are YOU.

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